black chevrolet

The coffee shop somehow seemed far too noisy and bright, even from my corner underneath the potted plants. The misty darkness outside looked inviting and comforting, so I wandered out into the cold. Hands jammed into pockets, I slogged across the muddy lawn, mind sliding on three inches of cloudy ice into a blurry snowbank. Two hours of Hegel, two other hours of not looking anyone in the eye in a crowded room, I was tired of it, tired of people, tired of all the nameless things that remain nameless because I have no more energy to give them shape.

There were only five cigars left in the box. I dimly remembered Kakashi's voice echoing into my sleepfogged ears: i'm grabbing one, and my reply, you're buying the next box, and his rejoinder, i don't care.

I couldn't sit down anywhere though. I hate it when I can't sit down and have a peaceful smoke. This is my campus, dammit. I've been here four years, literally, and I should be able to sit wherever the hell I please. . Apparently I wasn't the only one who found the night an inviting place to be; there were people everywhere in the dark. Voices of couples whispering and giggling followed my back as I crept restlessly from darkened bench to darkened bench. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I finally sat down on a relatively deserted, dimly lit flight of steps and sucked on my cigar for a while. Eventually the mist began to soak into the back of my collar, and determinate shapes began to soak into my mind. The slick feel of the remote on my car keys as I placed it into John's hand, the aged-leaf feel of the monstrous wad of twenties I got in return, a day later. It's going to hit me sooner or later. I know it will. I no longer own a car. I no longer possess a possession that I sank heart and soul into getting and keeping for five years, and WHY THE HELL DOESN'T IT MAKE A DENT? Why does it seem like Nighthawk's only sleeping as they pull the sheet up over her clay wings? Why am I sitting here staring vacuously out into the fog, still sliding over the ice, three inches of protection between me and any disaster in the world?

(I still don't feel very intelligent.)